The Weight of Memory

 I have a photographic memory (when my MS leaves me alone) of events and people and places. My mind is full of details from long ago happenings and stories. Most everything I have read or viewed is like a picture in my brain. On school tests, I answered questions easily because I could visualize the page of text from where the information came. I can find places when traveling because I see the map or the address. In recent years, due to brain centered MS, I have forgotten whole blocks of events. But that is okay because I guess my brain was too full anyway. And I might not be able to remember what I did yesterday.

I recently read from my FB friend Floyd Davis in an interview with an aged aunt that "the memories weighed heavily on her mind".
 That phrase often describes my state of mind. Memory can be a burden.
Some days, I wonder why I have to remember all the stories I have heard of my family. Even the ancestor stories I have heard from my grandmother or other relatives. I have been researching my family's history for over 35 years. Now I feel like it is my responsibility to keep the grandparents and others before alive in memory.  I want to write their names and show their faces. Missing all that family often leaves me feeling lonesome.

Memories of childhood days come to me when I least expect it. The details of that past event often make me ache to be there again. I want to be that little four year old in eastern Kentucky who ran and played on the hillsides. The path to the cemetery around the mountain  is still fresh in my mind.

And when it comes to people, if I know you I know you. That is, where you came from, who your family is and something you have done in life. Anything you have revealed to me stays in my thoughts.

Memories have also caused me other problems in the last few years. At flea markets and garage sales, if an item struck a chord in the brain pleasure bank, I bought it. If Mother or Grandmother once owned one like it, I bought it. Who needs five bunches of lucite grapes from the 50s? Must have been me. Or who needs every "really good" book they have ever read? Yes, I have saved them all. I do remember the content if not the specifics.

Memory makes conversation difficult. When relating an event, I forget details that embellish a story. So I recount my activities as lists. Or I can share in a manner that is reminiscent of texting.  This results in much miscommunication between Gary and I. Sometimes I forget to share important details. If I am interrupted in mid story, I have no reset. The story is gone for awhile. Also when others are sharing, I have to adjust my listening and responses to avoid correcting factual information or acting like a know it all.

Memory issues were a contributing factor to my inability to perform my job as an HR Associate several years ago. I found it necessary to record notes of all my HR activity and any interpersonal actions with employees. Very stressful and tiring.

Memory is ever changing. Pleasant childhood events become soft and idealized. Even the spankings from Mother lose their sting. Traumatic incidents fade a little to make them bearable for living. Aging brings introspection about what memories we need to leave our descendants. Even the less desirable stories can be shared in that senior stage of "tell it like it is". And we are wise enough to realize what is important enough to retain and share.