At the cemetery 2014

Yesterday I went to the local cemetery-Maple Grove-in New Haven with a friend to set out hostas at the grave site of her parents. Her mom died over 4 years ago and she has not been to the cemetery during that time. Not everybody has that ideal relationship with their parents that is advertised on Facebook. They leave us without saying "I'm sorry for the harm I caused you"-bitter and stubborn to the end. Even as adult children those wrongs can still shape our lives. It is difficult to forgive and let go. Maybe this is a step forward for her.
Anyway the plants looked nice, and while we worked, we spent time together talking of her parents and her children and how they deserved their own separate feelings and memories of their grandparents. Some things are better kept hidden.
I took a great photo of her in her work clothes and gloves and flushed face from the exertion of digging.
We drove slowly on down the lane to my mom and dads grave mentioning names of those we knew as we passed other stones. Some are early settlers of New Haven area and many names I know as distant relatives that I recall my parents speaking of. One section has names of Celeryville families; another has a black marble bench at one grave site. Most are decorated with bright silk flowers since Memorial Day is this weekend. At my parents grave, we pull the weeds around the thriving daylilies I recently set out inside the chintzy white plastic fence that prevents the caretakers from mowing them down or spraying with weed killer. I think of how Mother would like the attention to her grave and the memories I recall of her hours in the flowers. And the lilies even came from her farm on Townline 12-the bronze ones.
Memorial Day used to be known as Decoration Day when I was a child. Somewhere along the way -1967- it was officially changed  and then in 1971 it became a Monday holiday. It even used to signal the end of the school year and the beginning of summer vacation. But no longer.
My Decoration Day memory was a trip with my Aunt Lucy and my Grandmother Maudie along the mountain path to the steep hillside graveyard where numerous mystery relatives were buried. New plastic roses replaced those faded from a years exposure. They spoke in hushed tones about the familes buried there and even shed tears for my baby sister and Maudies lost child Oliver.
As we drove around Maple Grove, we  ended in the back corner where a small area segregates the lost babies and children from the main cemetery. How sad. Small graves with small stones or only name markers stuck away alone. Some were well cared for and others not. I went along each and pulled the weeds as Suzie read the names. They are remembered another year.
The day does establish a specific day to remember the dead. At least it reminds the living to care for the remains of their ancestors and to even speak their names once again.

What happened to family photos?

These days, we can take photos at a moments notice. I used to love my digital camera for the ease of use and  the instant pictures. No film to buy or develop. Just delete any unwanted photos.
The world is full of computers, cds and phones with photos of important moments. Few people print the pictures that can be passed at family dinners and reunions. There are too many options-print at home, email to the club store, take the card to the drug store, edit for perfection. We used to send the complete roll of film to the processor and a week later we received every shot-good or bad.

 I remember on every trip to grandmothers getting the photo box out. She told me about ancestors who were in the old pictures and shared those of new great grandchildren. My daughters take pictures of my grandchildren's accomplishments that I will never see. They are saved somewhere in space.

Now, I am the photo printer and keeper. Online services have printed books for me. I have a  book for each of the grandchildren, my first trip to Italy, my ancestors, places important in my life and other trips. Occasionally I print photos and send them to relatives. Pictures need to be shared. At the end, a picture of a loved one is what we cherish and keeps that long gone ancestor alive in memory.

Mothers Day 2014

Tomorrow is the official Mothers Day. But we all know that is everyday if you have children. Caring moms celebrate little moments at random. Chubby hands that reach for you in sleep, a one tooth smile, mama, the phone call that starts "Mom", and the list of special times goes on.
Mothers have special skills that are characteristic to women only. They can listen to numerous levels of conversations and demands at once. While tying shoes or changing diapers. Then they have the patience to answer each request. Sometimes it is in a calm tone and sometimes not. Moms don't have to be angels. Their hormones wont let them.
Mothers know all the answers. Just ask a question and they will tell you everything about the subject. Examples are used and follow up happens. When a child asks, "how do you make people?", you can explain sexual reproduction or show them how to draw a person which is what they really wanted to begin with. They want you to be well informed for life.
Mothers are several steps ahead of the rest of the family. For trips, they pack extra clothes (even a shirt for dad), always have a band aid or snack in their purse, and sense when their child doesn't feel well. Moms know how to get to the guilty party in a fight. They can distract whiny or unhappy children by changing the direction of interest or subject.
Mothers are entertainers, nurses, doctors, chauffeurs, peacekeepers, encyclopedias and the endless source of life supplies. All this on top of being wives, employees, gardeners, financial planners, cooks, vacation planners, travel navigators, and family calendars. My dream vacation is having it all planned for me-even someone packing my bags.
A mother shares her belief in God and teaches a child to pray when afraid, desperate, lonely, and thankful for goodness and beauty. And to rejoice and trust in His love.

As children age, they need to pull away from Mom to gain independence and learn how to live on their own. This can be a painful, antagonistic time and can go on for years. It is hard for Moms to let go and realize that they are needed in different ways. You no longer have all the answers. You're not even asked. A mother needs to make a new place for herself. Be an advisor. Be comfort. Be a babysitter. Do not be a bank.  Do not tell them how to raise their children. They still remember the mistakes you made on them. Admire and celebrate and comfort your children's success and failure. Show them by your example that life will go on. Be available when they need you. Children always come home again.

When your children have left the nest, that is a good time to go back and celebrate life with your own aging Mother. NOW that you have made the journey yourself, you can understand her struggle to raise all those children.